Hello, this is Tara Galeano, sexual empowerment coach at Rediscovering My Body. If you like this video, please Like the link below. I’m going to be speaking about asking.
In my life, I never learned how to ask for what it is that I wanted. I learned the fear of rejection because I didn’t know how to ask. I learned whining, complaining, manipulation, demanding, but asking and allowing the other person to respond in time and grace with ease was a foreign skill to me. I’m sorry to my former husband and everyone else I’ve been in a relationship with; I never learned how, when, and with whom to ask. (Reference #Therapist for Radical Self Love #Therapy for Self Love)
It’s true for so many of us as women, and especially when it comes to the topic of sex and sexuality. Let’s just bookmark sex and sexuality. Now that I’ve got your attention, we’ll get back to that. What I learned is that I need to trust the wisdom of my body to know how to assess the situation. Then I know how to ask, whom to ask, when to ask, and how to ask. I’m learning how to be more skillful with others as I become more compassionate with myself. That’s an actual thing.
When I’m not compassionate and loving to myself, I’m not very skillful with others. So I’m learning. When I trust my body, I make better decisions because I have better information. I’ll say more about that as well. (Reference #Sexual Empowerment Therapist #Therapist for Self Love)
In my childhood, a family friend molested me; I bring that up because that was a distinct demarcation in my life and disconnection within myself. Essentially, it skewed my ability to judge and stunted my ability to discern. Those were broken and offline for me. From that molestation, I learned that sex was dangerous, that it wasn’t safe, and that there was no language to express desire. I followed that erotic template wherever it led me and became a victim of my desires because I made poor choices that didn’t serve me.
I wasn’t assessing appropriately and measuring if this person would be a good partner, if they were safe, or if they had the capacity to hold me in all of who I am. I ignored the information that my body was giving me and telling me. Instead, I was seduced by the story that my mind was telling me about this person: they’re handsome; they’ll make a good lover, they’ll make a good partner, etc., etc., etc. Story and body ignored. My mind was stuck in the loop of this broken erotic template, and it was not a good way to live because I never felt truly safe. I never felt truly held. I never felt like I could truly relax into my relationship, which was a big bummer. In my long-term marriage of 25 years, I developed an autoimmune response because it was not listening to my body and trusting, and I didn’t feel safe. (Reference #Sexual Empowerment Therapy in New York #Female Sexuality Therapist in Chicago)
I may have felt aroused, which is another story, but that’s because of my erotic template attracted to anger. I thought anger was powerful. I thought anger was sexy. I thought the expression and expression of rage were really powerful; that felt sexy to me. And that just made me feel very, very unsafe. I learned that when I trust my body, I feel safe because I know how to measure and assess whom to ask, when to ask and how to ask. I just never learned that as a child and certainly not in any of my intimate relationships, especially when it came to sex.
When I began to recognize that I needed to measure my partner, and when I say measure, I mean the energetic quality of that person, the characteristics of that person, how they show up in their truth, how they embody their truth, how they are in their integrity and do they have the skills to respond to me in the way that I want them to respond? Do they have the capacity to fulfill the request that I’m asking? Often it was the capacity that was impaired in my partners because of their immaturity. (Reference #Women Relationship Counseling in Chicago #Healing Therapy For Women)
I wore rose-colored glasses, thinking that I could see and know all of who they are and all of who they were becoming. But I didn’t see them for who they were today. It was a story, right? A story of who they’re becoming. The reality of this is where they’re at today and the reality check because my body would tell me the truth; it always does. The sure thing, I would always get all the facts. What I needed to learn was to put my mind in check and allow my body to give me all the information that was valuable and truthful for me. (Reference #Sexual Empowerment Therapy #Sexual Dysfunction After Cancer)
Here’s the didactic part, the lesson that I learned in four parts.
- The first part is that you need to assess whether your life partner, sexual partner, your sexual partners are safe. If they are, that’s a huge win. If you don’t know if they are safe, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, in addition to sexually, then you need to clarify that for yourself. Check-in with your body; feel the sensations. What is true for you? That’s number one. Essentially, can you ask your partner for what it is you want, and potentially can they give it to you? That’s your assessment. That’s number one. (Reference #Sexual Empowerment Therapist in Chicago).
- Number 2 is to set up the expectation that this is a positive experience and powerful. For example, when you go to the store and order a latte, you expect to get a latte. That is a positive expectation. Occasionally, the latte is not going to be made because the espresso machine is broken. How often does that happen, right? Not very often. But the expectation is positive that your request will be fulfilled. I invite you that as you engage in this exploration of asking for what it is that you desire and speak your truth, that you set up the framework positive expectations, that your request will be met. (Reference #Intimacy Sexuality Coaching for Women #Female Sexual Dysfunction Therapist)
- Number three is to get what you want when you ask with kindness, clarity, and precision. That leads me to step number three, which is always speak about the specific behaviors, so your partner knows what you want. It’s concrete. You may desire to be touched at your neck. You may make a request. When you touch me softly here with your fingertips on the right side of my neck, it feels so delicious. Would you please do that again? Yum. Is that clear? Yes. Is it specific? Yes. Is it kind? Of course. Then your partner can agree, or they can disagree. “I don’t feel like it right now.” That’s okay because you’re giving them a choice, and you can ask another time again. (Reference #Intimacy Sexuality Coaching for Women)
- That brings me to point number four. This is the critical piece. This is where most couples get stuck. This is the most important point out of all four. Pay attention. Maybe your partner didn’t feel like it at the time. Does that make you wrong? No. That just gives you more information. Perhaps they were tired; they just walked in from work. That gives you information on how to assess that person at that time. Step number four is to repeat next time, ask again for what you want kindly because that is the only pathway forward. If we don’t ask, we assume; repeatedly assuming, especially around sex and sexuality, is dull. It gets so boring when you always make assumptions, when every touch becomes a demand for intercourse. There’s no asking for what it is that you desire. Well, that’s like leaving money on the table because the sexiest thing you can do is to ask for what it is that you desire. Invite your partner to engage in your desires by asking with kindness and certainty. Ask with precision because this is so sexy. Negotiating the process is incredibly sexy. When you slow down enough to enjoy this process, and you know that the words you’re using to speak your desires are all part of the foreplay, that’s hot. Most lovers want to please their partners, and your lover is probably not an exception. They almost always want to give you what you want. They want you to experience more pleasure. They just may not know-how. You asking very clearly is sexy. Your request is sexy. Asking really kindly is so sexy. Try it. (Reference #Women Relationship Counseling)
Number one is to assess the person with whom you’re making the request. Will they be able to give you what you want? Number two is to set up the positive expectation that you will get what you want. Yes. Number three is to make your request kind, clear, and specific. Specificity is important. Number four is that you ask repeatedly; don’t rely on those assumptions. (Reference #Sexual Health Therapist For Women)
